The loss of a child is traumatic for any parent. I feel your pain having walked down this road myself.
Parental bereavement is particularly difficult to resolve. It is the kind of pain which often reoccurs due to its nature and injustice.
My story
A mother knows her pregnant body and I knew something was wrong.
Every part of me screamed that something wasn’t right, that I had to get myself checked. However, I was too afraid. I knew that if I saw the doctor, she would confirm what I already knew and was too terrified to accept.
It was a regular Monday morning and I woke up and got dressed for a day at the office.
I settled at my workstation and continued my morning as normal. It was around lunchtime that I visited the restroom and noticed bleeding. Now that voice inside me which told me something wasn’t right, just got louder.
Fear kicked in and I started to panic. I told my boss that something wasn’t right and that I had to get to the hospital straight away. He told me to drop everything and leave.
As I walked into the waiting room full of pregnant women, I felt a faint glimmer of hope. “It’s all in your mind” I told myself. “The baby will be fine”, “some women bleed during their pregnancy, it’s going to be ok”. I tried my best to support myself and calm myself down.
My name was called and I went in. I lay on the bed whilst the sonographer started to apply the cold gel and make small talk. I wasn’t really listening, I was praying with everything I had. “Please god, let my baby be ok”. She kept going over and over my abdomen, then I caught a glimpse of her face. Her concerned look gave me confirmation that everything was “NOT” ok. She looked at me and I broke into tears. “ I am so sorry,” she said. “There is NO heartbeat”.
It felt like slow motion. I could see her lips moving but couldn’t match the voice. “Please check again I cried, please”, I had never sounded so desperate. She checked again for me, ” I am truly very sorry for your loss” she said.
She continued to explain that there was nothing I could have done….but I don’t think I heard anything after that.
She asked me to wait in the waiting room, the same waiting room where I was just moments earlier. The same room where expectant mothers sat. The same room which had pictures on the wall of new born babies. As I sat there it felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest. I scanned the room and could see women rubbing their tummy which had babies with beating hearts. I felt numb.
No loss like this
I managed to get home somehow, motionless. There must have been 40 missed calls from my husband. I sat in the living room in silence, the phone rang and I took the call. “It’s all over” I said, “our baby has gone”. My husband rushed home to be with me.
We broke the news to my daughter who took it better than we expected. “Don’t worry mummy, you can have another baby”. “I can wait for a brother or sister, I don’t mind” she said. Her innocence, love and compassion was my greatest strength.
Six months later, I found out that I was expecting again and later gave birth to my son who is my greatest gift. I often wonder why I had to experience a loss. However, I also know that without that pain, I would not have the incredible son I have today.
Sometimes we are dealt a card and have to play the game whether we like it or not. It is the bad which allows us to accept the good. When we get sick or experience a loss, it is not our fault, there is no blame. It is what was supposed to happen. Some things are not within our control however, how we face the situation is within our control. Life will always hand us ups and downs but as I often say, that is what living is all about. It can’t always be good and similarly, it can’t always be bad.
If you have lost a child, I know your pain. There is nothing you can do about what card you were dealt. However, you can choose how you play this game called life. Sending you love wherever you are! Ryss
