A dream – “One day my son will be a lawyer! He will make me so proud and the whole community will see how well he has done and they will tell me I am a great parent”
“Right son”?!
Son nods and smiles “Yes dad”
Did you notice how I titled this post : “Every parent’s dream”. This is because this dream belong to the parent and not to the child.
Perhaps the parent doesn’t want the child to be a lawyer, perhaps they want him or her to be a doctor, an architect, a teacher, a dentist or an accountant. Whatever the role, the fact remains that the dream still belongs to the parent.
A few years ago, I asked my daughter what she wanted to be when she grows up. At the time, she wanted to be a hairdresser. When she talked about her desire to cut people’s hair, I could see that her face lit up. “Sounds great I said, it will be nice to come to you to get my hair done” I joked.
I asked my son the same question. “I want to be a builder and build houses for the homeless”. This was a real proud mummy moment. “Ahh that’s amazing” I told him “whatever you decide, you will always have my full support and guidance”.
Neither of them are sure what they want to be right now and that’s ok. Why pressure them in to planning for a tomorrow that no one has seen.
I had a dream
When I was a child, I too had a dream. That dream remained a dream and was not fulfilled. The reason why it never came to life was because my parents did not support who I wanted to be. There was far too much focus on the needs and wants of the community, to consider that I may actually have a dream.
I don’t blame them, it was how they were raised. Their beliefs and values were focused around other people’s validation and approval. Unfortunately, this influenced a lot of the decisions which they made as parents.
I still feel that void in my life and I would not be true to myself if I told you otherwise.
I often say “how we parent today, shows up in our kids tomorrow” this comes from my own personal experience. I also see this when I coach my clients. Most, if not all of their challenges stem from a childhood experience, memory or the way in which they were raised.
It is so important that we support our children and ask them who they want to be. If we don’t like the answer, we need to explore “what is coming up for us and where does it stem from”? It may be that we are carrying baggage which we are offloading on to our children.
I had a moment when I thought it would be great if my son or daughter could fill my void. Then it occurred to me that I would not be a conscious parent if I burdened them with my own baggage. Furthermore, I would be preventing them from being who they are as they would be trying to please me and meet my needs and expectations. It was my dream to live and not theres!
A father who is adamant that his son will be a doctor, perhaps missed out on his dream to become a doctor. Perhaps he did not have the money to train as a doctor and now earns enough he wants his son to become one. A mother who enrols her daughter into a ballet class even though her daughter hates ballet, may be fulfilling a deep burning desire to learn ballet herself.
Whilst I appreciate that it is not easy, we need to let go of our own needs and focus on the needs of our children.
I encourage you to take a moment and listen to what they want. If you give yourself that permission, you will see that you will make a very deep connection with your child. You will see them for who they really are and what they truly want to be!
