It’s not a phase mum, it’s who I am!

Let me share a secret. When I was younger, I had a burning desire to be a professional singer.

I wrote my own songs, I choreographed my own dance moves and I spent hours and a lot of money, recording in studios where I dreamt of one day performing in front of thousands.

When I sang, It felt like the only time I was alive. When I danced, it felt like my soul was dancing. I wanted to perform so much!

I had so much energy and I wanted to share that energy with others to help them to feel good. I wanted them to feel as alive as I did when I performed.

However, this was not meant to be. The universe had another plan for me.

My mum is the greatest woman I know. I can only salute her for the life she has lived but she never understood me and she never saw this dream that I had.

She thought it was a phase which would pass but she took away the one thing I lived for!

I grew up surrounded by noise. My parents didn’t align and I spent most, if not all of my childhood being their mediator. I consoled my younger brother and sister and shielded them from the drama but there was no one there to shield me!

I had to find my own way to release my pain and my emotions. I found that the only way I was able to do this was through my songs.

Not a phase

At the tender age of just 14, I was writing lyrics full of heartache.

Adults would listen to my songs and be taken back by the intensity of the words.

“How did you write that” they would ask. The answer was simple, I wrote from the heart and my heart was full of pain.

My parents were completely against my choice of wanting to perform. They fought me tooth and nail to ensure that every opportunity which came knocking on my door, was turned away. I guess they hoped and prayed that it was a phase which would pass.

I was young and lived under their roof so I didn’t have the freedom to be who I wanted to be. I had to be who they wanted me to be. So I buried my dream and I suppressed my pain. Burying my dream meant that I was burying a part of me and who I was. This still brings a tear to my eye.

Those emotions which I locked up inside of me, kept showing up in different areas of my life for years because I had not dealt with them.

They would surface as a mother, as a partner, as a friend and even as an employee.

It took me years of work to release them and move forward.

Now, when I go for my run, I play my music really loud and I wake up that little girl who wants to sing and dance. I set her free and I give her permission to be who she is!

So mum, it was not a phase, it IS who I am!