Clients often ask me, how can I discipline my child?

When I think of the word discipline, I often recall my days at school when one of my classmates would “misbehave”. He or she would be summoned to a corner of the classroom. I still remember how they were named and shamed, standing with their backs to class, facing the wall and reflecting on where they had gone “wrong”. 

As a child, I never felt comfortable with this approach of “discipline”, to be honest I still feel the same today. 

Discipline by definition

Google’s definition of discipline is – “The practice of training people to obey rules or a code of behaviour, using punishment to correct disobedience”. 

With the above definition in mind, I can only interpret that to discipline our children means to train them to obey our rules and if they don’t, they are to be punished, sent to sit on a naughty step, face the corner of a wall or grounded for being “disobedient”. 

“Umm, I’m not sure that sits right with me”!

Discipline and conscious parenting

I am a conscious parent coach, I therefore don’t advocate “discipline”. 

In case you are wondering, my children are respectful spirits not loose cannons 😂

As a conscious parent, I understand that it is my role to learn from my children. As a result, I don’t see room for discipline!

Please allow me to explain, this does not mean that I allow my children to run riot, be disrespectful or not do their homework. It simply means that we communicate each other’s needs and implement strategies which enable them to teach themselves.

For example, suppose my child refuses to do his or her homework. I will sit with them and question what is preventing them from wanting to do the work? I will try to meet them where they are at, whilst understanding their blocks, limitations and perspective. 

Perhaps they dislike the subject because they don’t understand it. Perhaps they dislike the subject because they dislike the teacher. Perhaps they have convinced themselves that they are not good at the subject.

Talking about the implications of not doing their homework, opens doors for deeper conversations, closer connections and greater understanding. Furthermore, we can address the root cause of the reluctance to do the homework. See how this enables us to work through the situation together without discipline?!

On the other hand, if I discipline my child with the traditional approach by saying “If you don’t do your homework, you are not going to your friends birthday party this weekend”, this will not be well received. I will end up closing the doors to any understanding of my child’s needs, emotions or struggles. My child will probably retract and is unlikely to approach me when faced with a similar challenge in the future. See how this pans out?!

Do you recall being a child and being told exactly what to do and when to do it? I do!

Ryss, I want you to complete your homework as soon as you get home. 

Ryss, the lights need to be out by 8pm and not a moment later

Ryss, you are not allowed to spend your pocket money on rubbish

Ryss, I will not allow you to date that guy because I don’t like him

For as long as I listened to the rules, I was considered a well disciplined child. I was admired for being someone my parents wanted me to be. I was praised for obeying their orders. However, If I dared to question any of their commands, I was considered disrespectful, disobedient or worst selfish!

In trying to discipline our children, we are missing one vital point! 

“What they want”! 

We are turning our backs on who they are, what they feel and what their spirit desires. We are swaddling them with our rules, conditions, emotions and desires. As they get older, they start to feel claustrophobic and then they rebel. This is a natural response! This “rebellion” creates a greater gap between you and your child. Can you see the pattern?!

Takeaway

As a conscious parent coach I invite you to consider replacing “discipline” with “understanding”. I encourage you to drop the rules and understand what your child is feeling. Try to understand where they are coming from and meet them where they are. Drop the discipline and move forward together and not in different directions. When your child knows that you are giving them the space to be who they want to be, there will be no need for discipline!